Game.

Trying to play this one I'm in right now.
Still trying to work out the rules
Still trying to figure out which buttons to push.
Still trying to work out the right objective.
Trying to get there 1st, trying to play 1st place, trying to win.
Trying to beat a thing which i could never beat,
Beat a professional, thing which people cling to, beat a thing which guys beg for,
at Christmas.

skin.

feel the rain on your skin,
touching you so slightly, sends shivers down my spine.
the touch that i crave, the attention that i long from you.
Don't want to come across like an attention seeker, but i cant help but want your attention, not all the time, but more than just in school, want to know that if i call you, when I'm upset you'll awnser
cant help it, i need to feel closer, closer than we are now.

Shot.

One. one chance to get everything right,
All i can do is practice, make it perfect.
Do it over, if i don't get it 1st time, i wont have another chance at it,
We all only have one life.
We make mistakes, we make up for them mistakes,
I really don't want to muck this one up.
I need to make it count.
Its not a case of wanting it to.
Its a case of needing it to.
Cant fall again.
This is the one shot.
The one shot i Need to get right.

Loss.

The room that once smelt of purfume frangrance,
Now smells of just Nicorandil, and morphine.
The once Bright blue eyes, with so much life,
Now eyes just like nothingness,
Breathing shallows, last breath was drawn,
And Where was i?
Not seen you since that day in that room, Never knew that was the last time i would see you.
Now im just full of regret.

Act.

Act
Like the rest.
We all act like someone different,
When there is something which might upset a friend we act like theres nothing wrong.
They know there is,
The person lies, and just says something which is obviously wrong,
Closer than you think, trying to help you are these people around.
That are trying to help the situation, person doesn't want to know, doesn't take their advise and never truly recovers.
If you listened to the advise and made sense of it, it might actually help you, stop dwelling on what could have been and what is.
Fact is, your stuck in a rut, your stuck on what you want, and cant get over it when your refused it, sulk all you like its not going to help you.
My advise, act like this, not going to help you
Thinking so negatively isn't going to help Anyone.

Want.

"Wake up early to black and white re-runs"
Paranoid. That's all I'm being. Right?
Something that i would normally see, suddenly its not so clear,
Am i just seeing something that's not there at all,
Like when your in the dark and theres a black figure shape standing by the door,
But when the light hits it, its nothing but hoodies piled upon a old coat hanger.
All it needed was light,
But i don't want to turn the light on in this case, because i know that if i do, i might be wrong,
But i might be right.
For once i don't want to be.
I don't want the fright at the pit of my stomach to have a right to be there.
I really don't want to have to know that this person, has entered my happiness and doesn't have the right to be there, to then be able to take it all away.

Rain.

British weather.
Mostly rain.
Sometimes sunny.
But mostly cold, and rainy.
however, without sounding totally cheesy, and the kind of thing which would be in a Disney movie,
Sat there, on your knee watching, all the chavs and their dogs taking this piss out of people..
i felt like there wasn't a dark cloud hanging over both our heads. as if there was nothing that could bother us. i loved it, i normally reject peoples compliments and totally ignore them and never believe them. but you. i just couldn't ignore. couldn't ignore the stuff you were saying, the thing i have most trouble accepting. you literaly make me smile so much that i cant stop, you brighten a dull day.
Sorry for making it such a long thing to read but jai ho...


xxx

Thoughts.

Music rushing through my ears,
Cant hear a single word being spoken,
Can only see their lips moving,
Can only see what they are doing.
Everything slowed, Slow motion, Amazing to watch,
To suddenly see everything in a new light,
With only my thoughts that swim through my mind,
Can only think of three things,
One: what the next line of lyrics are,
Two: weather Ive actually got my work right
Three: thinking about what I'm going to say, when i can get you alone.
As soon as you took my hands, i actually wanted to jump for joy.
Me being me, covering my nerves with laughter..Rushing through my mind.
Time slowed then too, just stood still, could have stayed in that moment forever.
Thoughts, bring a smile across my face, and it would stay there for hours, nobody could put me out of that mood.

Red.

The colour i am obsessed with,
Means so much when its spoken of in books and poems,
Most entence colour, which i had to be attracted to..
Why are people genrally attracted to one colour in particular?
What makes this so significant,
The teams were chosen.

Questions.

Many people have asked me the same question in the past few days
They have all asked because they are concerd i would hurt this person,
My past history they cant help but think i would.
truth is im not.
not going to make the same mistakes that ive made in the past,
The past stays in the past, why.
The future is never clear, why is that, why cant we see what will happen with these choices we make,
The present is a gift, a true gift nothing to care about, nothing in the past to think about,
Its just a gift.
Thats why it is called present, and at this present time i cant help buut think about weather im putting 2 and 2 together and getting 11,
or weather i should follow my instics and just close my eyes and jump,
or to just wait,
Wait for you to just close your eyes and jump.
Jump throught the air, all i can say is you wont fall to the ground..

Truth.

HEY if anyone has something to say to me
Tell me,
Im not a decective, and i cant read minds,

Take the leap of faith that im scared of taking,
Close Your Eyes And Jump,
I cant carry on with this poker face.
I dont want to carry on with this poker face.

Ghost.

Your face a distant memory,
Gone,
You were just as easy to forget.
Sometimes you come back, From nowhere, i would just switch,
Memories we shared would come back flooding, at the sound of that dreaded flyleaf song,
When you whispered into my ear which was my favorite, The moment i sat you down and asked you the truth, The sudden black hole which grew inside, the twisting knot which formed, the sudden urge to just cry.
The feeling of the fresh air hitting my face as i storm out, almost crashing to the ground.
i had that today,that feeling. i sat up and asked myself why the hell i was i crying.
Then it faded, dispurstd evaporated, gone. Like a ghost which haunts me. because that's all you are to me now. a ghost.

Deja Vu

Bored already,
Driving me insane,
Never anything to do
Bored of the same dam thing everyday,
Bored of reading the same Facebook groups
Bored of saying the same things to my parents
Bored of doing the same thing over and over
Feel like its ground hog day
I wanna shake things up abit,
Do something out of the ordinary.

Uncomfortable

I'm just going to take the blame,
Just going to agree with you, to make my life easier,
I may not talk to you, but we would be on the understanding of being able to tolerate each other,
Make the people that are friends with both of us, make them feel more comfortable.
Just make these next few months easier for the both of us.

Another reason i should make myself more comfortable, distancing myself i think is the only way i can think of doing that.

L**e

Word i don't like using anymore, For reasons i don't want to explain.
"a strong word to use for someone of my age,"
Feel like Ive used this word too many times since my first blog in January,
"I know the pain it causes, and the joy of being innit,"
Then the downward spiral of tears which crash around your pillow, when you argue, then idea of putting yourself through pain because you hurt them so, it gets to its peak, then goes crashing down, it might go back up to that point, or it might die, and fade.
I'd Rather swear in front of my parents than tell them that Ive found someone i L**e
Ive grown and discoverd that the types of L**e at our age doesn't even amount to the real thing.
To be honest i don't care if Ive said something that might concern some people but at this moment in time, I'm writing how i feel on my blog.

Towers.

Very small person,
Hangs around with very tall people,
Very Small girl,
Hangs around with Very tall Guys,
You guys know that you don't intimidate me,
However i still think of you guys as the people that will always be there,
Like a couple of towers surrounding a castle.

Don't even know what I'm talking about to be completely honest, but i was singing lines from a song and immediately thought of you 3. I Guess What I'm Saying Is,
thankyou.

"keep me safe inside your arms like towers, tower over me"
Paramore

Bang.

Bang its gone, the world you once had,
Gone,
In the blink of an eye,
The world changes everyday,
People change over time,
To be honest, you have ago at her nearly everyday, you sat there and told me its one rule for him and another for you, however your the same with her, its one rule for you and another for her, which is unfair, and uncalled for.

3 people came up to me and asked me the same question today, and its actually bugging me.
Starting sink into my head, and making me think, I Don't Want To Think About It. Driving me insane.
"But its all about the boom boom pow"

"I cant take the person staring back at me"
This blog has gone tumbling down hill, ever since i stopped writing in a certain way,
I can write about how i feel in case i upset someone or annoy them, in the real world.
Don't want to tell anyone either, Only get annoyed,
Don't know weather the person i can talk to would understand this situation.
"Don't let me get me."

Tomorrow.

"Its only monday, and i a already feel the riot.
Its the starting of the week, you hear those talks you dont want to speak,
tomorrow never comes until its too late.
Sitting here right now, that news hit me like a punch, but tomorrow never comes until it is too late."

"If you want to know your past life,look into your present condition;if you want to know your future,look into your present action."

Photograph.

They say is worth a thousand words, can tell people on the outside whats going on.
On the inside.
Can see what is really happening.
So from these pictures which i flick from trying to edit, what are they saying, they all look so posed, and in place.
Exept one or two.
The ones where im not taking the picture but im init.
Maybe this says i need to let my ideas just flow and go along with the world, instead of trying to make them perfect.
Or maybe its saying these friendships are so posed and i need to let the real me out, instead of being someone that tries to fit in, and just be me.

Go.

Times pass,
Friends fade,
Love ends,
Happiness, dies,
But can be revived,
By those friends who stuck by you,
All we needed was a little CPR,
To revivive this happiness,
Which now floods each of our hearts,
Making Smiles across our faces,
Strange convosations, and Weird ball games,
This is all because the ones which i can never be friends with, went, left me to my own, i let go.

LA

Looking in from the outside.

Tired.

I'm tired,
of everything,
Of everyone, making up reasons to cause trouble,
Personally i want to put this to bed, this issue that never really existed,
let it rest,
let that thing that never existed sleep for eternity.

Ever.

Wow. All I'm saying is Hypercritical much.

Luke, Thanks, we set everything straight, we made sence of the issue, we went deep into where this started, and sorted it, sure im different, you loved the old me, you told me the truth To My Face, which really did help.

Ollie, You may not know this but i know most of the things your trying to hide, you dont have to hide it, surely you can trust me enough to just tell me, you know me well enough to know in the end i will understand.

Jeff, i know you dont read these things much, but i know exactly where you are coming from.

Claire, we are on the same wave length, And Boom-Maan is here to defeat the evil mass murderer Maths. haha. (on a less serious note)

All i can say is, things will sort themselves out, like i told Luke,
I Give It A Week.

Goodbye.

Funny, all good things come to an end.
I guess this is all of ours.
None of you are gone yet,
but i already feel like each of you have already left.
:'(

Click.

It just occured to me.
Just go for it.

Fly.

What most people want to do.
Fly away from their problems to some amazing country,
Fly somewhere where people actually care,
Fly away, getting them away,
Away from it all, to just relax, and breathe.
Flying and Running, are so different,
But unusually the same, You can feel the wind on your skin,
The winds fingers running through your hair, sound of it whistling into your ear.
Except one, your high in the sky,
The other your feet are firmly on the ground,
On the ground in the reality of everything, of everyone.
I want to run, stay in the reality of everything but at the same time not be too included in it.
People will just say your running away from your issues,
When the truth is,
I'm not,
I'm walking away from them,
Not in any rush but at the same time still moving away from them,
Funnily enough i was thinking of this as i was running away from being rugby tackled to the muddy floor,
Then it occurred to me,
Liefs too short to even care about these issues,
We should just forget them if they cause us that much pain and just carry on with life,
Not holding grudges,
Not arguing,
Because sooner or later were going to be leaving,
Making our own lives,
A new purpose to our lives, weather that be a family, or a career.
Then after our life is done,
We go to that "better place" as they say.
Where we truly fly.

Moment.

I know I'm not good at allot of things.
I know I'm crap at almost everything that we went through.
But what i do know is that I'm a Good Friend.
If any of you need me, I'll be there, i wont turn my backs on you when i need you most.
If i can promise any of you anything, its that i will always be there for you, rain or shine,
weather you just want to talk, or if you just need to hear someone breathing down the phone knowing that someone is there for you.
I Will.


"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it it those who, instead of giving much advise, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share out pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not curing, not healing and face us with the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."
Henri Nouwen

Burning

The pain wont last long.
It will fade...

Repell

Magnets Repell.
Dunno weather its just my bahaviour,
Or just because im that boring.
Standing, Watching, Seeing everyone getting along so well, so well knitted, i dont feel like thats me.
I dont know weather im not to feel like im part of it yet, or weather im just not trying because im thinking this.
Am i just the opposite of what everyone else seems to be..happy, or even just a slight twinge of happyness, i would be quite thankful for.