Eff my actual personality.

right time to vent,
being as shy as i am really doesn't get you far in life,
being as quiet as i am really doesn't gain you many friends that would notice your absence,
being as miserable as i am right now really makes you look boring,
being as determined as i am really makes people think I'm a nerd,
now don't have that close friends in this class and its starting to hurt,
being as unconfident as i am really shows, within my body and my mind, being unconfident to speak up and be myself, but i cant because I'm so uncomfortable, and so unconfident, it sucks, and i don't know what to do about it, be smart like my friend and never shut up, do something i don't like to gain friends, I'm screwed, not gunner lie, i need a personality transplant. dont particularly care about my spelling mistakes

Ill.

I dont want there to be anything wrong with me, i dont want to have to take pills for the rest of my life, i dont want to be the college freak, always passing out, i hope its just a virus, and that it will go, i dont want anything seriously wrong with me, i love living.

died.

ok, your sweet, really you are.
the password was changed for a reason i just cant think what that reason actually is right now.

the point of friends is that we have someone close we can talk to about most things,
two of those who i no longer really know, their friendship has witherd since we left school, its pratically gone, once super close, now i hardly speak to them, we are all so busy with work and people obviously more important, ive learned this over the past months we havent been at school, just like to say thanks i bunch.

One of my best friends moved away, must admit i miss having our talks, they dont happen as much as they used to, but atleast im still in touch with you.

Someone i never thought i would stay in contact with ive actually seen more of than the other two, our friendship has been ripped and torn deeply, but im really happy trying to make amends, not really going so well but im still happy that we both agreed to try.

My welsh friend, thank you.

My life is boring, same ole routines, day in day out, but with You in my life you make it that more interesting, you complete me.

Captains Log 119:

I have managed to figure out the password to Charlottes blogger, I can now DO WHATEVER I LIKE :) She is currently playing the piano and has no idea I am doing this. She's getting quite good at it, just needs to will to practice a bit more and stop giving up.

I'm being deported... to foreign lands... far far away...
I will be away from Charlotte for a WHOLE WEEK, I am dreading it...

I will maintain communication with the use of morsecode and smoke signals (texing and maybe facebook), however, at least something good will come of this useless expedition (holiday) I will hopefully be able to bring back some strange gifts, like a camel... (probably a stick of rock and a teddy bear)

I have lost my xbox live... it has run out
Luckily i can allways play single player, and it will give me time to do other things ;) I'm
Very looking foward to getting my gliders scholorship, anyway... I LV
YOU

When you see this, don't be mad or anything, just smile and know that I love you, don't worry you can trust me with your blog :) xxxx

JEFF

Space.

Space; definition-A quantity of time between two points of time,
Another definition- A quantity or porption of extension; distance from one thing to another and interval between any two or more object; as space between two stars or two hills; the sound was heard for the space of a mile.

Days away from you are becoming easier, i know a day or two isnt much to alot of people, but when i get the news of 6 weeks at a time, i really going to miss you, alot of concerns pass through my mind, i get that on a daily basis, after i get over the fact you might be going away for weeks at a time, then i hear the news that its a high possibility that you might be sent away for months on end, to a different country wow, i really felt sad, but its what you want with your career and i will stand by you no matter how long your away for.

it will be good, to see how strong the relationship really is, it will be good to see how either of us cope, to see how either of us may change, in the time we dont see another. iloveyou, no matter what. xxx

Lyrics.

"I know that we are young."
"You know i love you boy hot like Mexico"
"Others may be on the floor but my eyes will see only you"
"A place to crash...I Got You"
"I would do it all for you, I would do it all for you with the guns and horses"
"Could we Pretend that airplanes in the night sky were like shooting stars"
"Call me Rude boy, Can you get it up"
"When the lights are dim."
"Boom Boom Boom everybody say ayo"
" if i could have a moment please then I'll bring you to your knees, this contagious chemistry is killing me."


"Ive been Watching your world from a far,
I've been trying to be where you are,
And Ive been Secretly falling apart,
I'll See
To Me your Strange and your beautiful,
You be so perfect with me but you just cant see
You turn every head but you don't see me
I'll put a spell on you,
You ll asleep and I'll put a spell on you,
And when i wake you,
I'll be the first thing you see,
And you'll realise that you, love me,
Yeah, Yeah
Sometimes the last thing you want comes in first,
Sometimes the first thing you want never comes,
And i know that waiting is all you can do,
Sometimes,
I'll put a spell on you,
You'll fall asleep and when i wake you
I'll be the first thing you see and you'll realise,
That you love me,
I'll put a spell on you,
And when i wake you
You'll fall asleep
and when i wake you
I'll be the first thing you see and you'll realise that you love me
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah,
Yeah"

Think i just found our song.

Captains Log 118:

Oh and I think your B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L!


JEFF

Captains Log 117:

Aha now I am on your laptop, I can finally do something like this. All the times on your blog and your polyvore, you make stuff, the most amazing stuff I have ever seen. Some of the things you have wrote have been pure genius and honestly I am jealous of your mind. Your creative and imaginative mind. I wish my mind could come up with stuff like that. And also, It really makes me smile when I see that most of them...

...are about me.

But anyway I'm writting this blog/CAPTAINS LOG :-) so that I could have a chance. A chance to show how I really feel. I don't have a very creative mind, so cannot make the most fancy, meaningful and beautiful thing, basicly all these times i read and see how you feel, it makes me smile. And I never get the chance to do it too you. When I read your posts, see your pictures, You go into details, And It makes me want to start a blog, or a website, or make a statue, start a polyvore, build a shrine, but the truth is that my mind isn't that creative. So here I am on YOUR blog :-) Basicly there is no other way that I can express my feelings...

Other than by simply telling you...

That iloveyou...

JEFF

Year.

Lots have happened these past few years, many good times, some bad.
mostly good things. so many fun times i can remember, even if they were with people i now no longer get along with, there still amazing times. Past year Ive known you guys, my life changed, changed my view on life, on things in life. no matter what happens i see you two as brothers, no matter how mad or angry i am at you. three of you there, when i needed you. in this past year the most Miraculous thing which has happened in my life is you. no matter how cheesy that sounds. when i first met you i never knew you were the one that i would fall so deeply in love with that i actually cant imagine myself with anyone else other than you. worriedly creepy thing to state at my age. you were there when the first one collapsed, you were there understanding when i fell out of love (A love being that wasn't real at all, a love that was for simple chemistry) You were there for me to state my issues, after he couldn't deal with it anymore. you were there through out all of that, and now you are my rock, i can spend days on end with you and not get bored. i can talk to you all day and still find some conversation, you get me, you get my strange ways. you. Jake. Jeff whatever you want to be known as, i would do it all for you. because your strange and beautiful way...Astounds me. no matter what happens in the future, i will always loveyou.

you.

you personally are my knight in shining armor, no not tin foil, real steel.
you make me happy beyond belief.
you were there for me the times before.
you make me feel amazing.
you dont understand without you im lost.
iloveyou.like ive never loved anyone else as much as i do you.
:)

un-fair?

Wow long time since i've written one of these...
Every time your lips touch mine, i still get the butterfly affect, still get the urge to smile, hold you tighter. tip-toe. bent knees. perfect. Candle light is what i need, need the romace of a perfect night, perfect everything, not what it almost was, a rush, a hurry, quietly. not that. i dont want to rush. take the time. just so i know you'll still be there. not that you just want me for certain aspects. recently thats all i feel like. need to know i can still talk to you for hours, and can just hold you. iloveyou.
Times change people change, things which you could do a long time ago you cant really do anymore. Sometimes i wonder weather you actually know how stupid you truely are. Nobody actually cares. the times when people will listen to issues and respond in a certain manner shows how much they need you, want you. He Was being himself, dont take everything he did to heart its him being him, get over it, to him your nothing special, your just his friend. Now i cant have my own dream because its your dream is it? well sweetie it was my dream for a very long time, i knew i wanted this from the second i knew i was good at it. do you honestly see your friends with your art-work everywhere? let her get on with it. stop worrying.
Science lessons arnt the same since i sat there and heard the lyrics which made me almost cry. i want to look at a picture and know that you know me now, who i am now, i want to know you as you were, but as you know me now, i want you to see me on my prom night, i want you to look at me and say i love you my beautiful granddaughter. but that cant happen can it, im sure you died when i was too young to understand, to loose someone at such an age, its not fair, im finding it hard to remember your voice, thats surely not a good thing. i wish you could see me now. because i miss you. i love you.

Others.

The others belong to a different world to us.
They are different people, can influence them to do stuff which they wouldn't do if the others were not there,
The others are a collection of ghosts which haunt a house or room per say,
They influence other objects and peoples minds.
The thought of the others, creates a single memory. a memory which makes me go into a downward spiral, into some really loud rock music to drain the thoughts and the sounds out from my head.
Some people get along with these others, however the inside secret is, their both bitches, and cant hold back from saying anything about anyone, funnily they bitch to people which arnt really happy with them and don't really like them at this present moment in time. surely spending a day slating them off isn't a good thing?
My advise to them people is, go back to who you were and speak your mind, tell them straight if there not allowing you to be happy then don't suffer in silence and if theres a big issue with it then they obviously don't care about your feelings and want everything their way, fuck them!
My advise to the rest of you, People Are Fickle, when you've got a person that's being controlled with her emotions and her decisions. don't always trust them even thought they've said sorry, and all is "forgiven"

Bored.

Slightly bored of this now,
Kind of one of those things where it helps you for a few months,
Then the keeping up with the blogs just gets less and less,
Looking at other peoples blogs just becomes les and less,
Really knowing what to put up there, dont ever really know anymore, kind of all sounds the same.
Pretty much a really bad case of cant be botherd with anything, until the pressure comes back, then i'll be ripping my hair out like last time...

"/
But when your life is fine and theres nothing you really want to get across then these things dont help, because you have nothing left to say, im happy with my life and to be honest i cant be botherd to tell the world every little thing that is meaningfull to me. When something goes wrong and i have at least one decent point to make about it, ill be back haha.

Truths.

I could tell you a few truths about yourself,
i could just write them all on here,
you would know i was talking about you,
and to be honest i can say them because im not actully related to you,
id only get in to deep water with you, because lets be honest you need to be told.
because its not just me thats starting to get annoyed with it.
well maybe it is me thats the only one that can see it.

Steryo.

Blasting the music through my ear drums.
hoping the issue will leave, let the music push it out of my mind.
"What the hell am i doing drinking in LA!"

Would love to go drinking in LA. Because out there, things are different from this place,
People just do whatever they like, there allowed to look however they like, without people worrying, because out there its a normal thing, its normal to be a certain size, in LA your either, Poor or Rich, Your either, Fat or Skinny, your either a Majorly Popular or have no friends what so ever. This country is different theres more concerns because its crappy England, things are black and white in this place. Spice up this country abit, add some colour. My point is out there, you can be whoever you want to be, and theres a chance that it might happen, where as when your stuck in this rut of a town, theres very little chance, when this rut of a town is being taken over by certain types of people, giving it a bad name, making it such a shit hole. I need a holiday. this place is doing my head in!

Friends.

I just want to let you all know how much you guys mean to me,

Without you guys i don't really know what i would do.
The times i need you, your there.
Slightly strange conversations which i can have with you guys and you would understand.
endless times of deranged laughter,
you guys are there, even when i don't really want you there, but you stay anyway.
Is there a point to this blog, Not really, just wanted to say thanks. <3

Real?

Is this
Is this thing which i have real?
Is it just my imagination?
Is all of this a dream?
certainly feels like it.
Now i understand.
Ive spent almost everyday with you.
you got me the most amazing thing, for my birthday.
i really don't know how your not sick of me by now
don't want you to get sick of me..because i love spending time with you.
i love the silly little things.
i love the small things which you say which i cant ignore
I love the fact you made me talk about the things that i keep bottled up.
I'm now feel comfortable telling you anything, and everything if you want to know.
I feel so safe when I'm holding onto your hand.

Like today, that place bewildered me, i had no idea where i was going, or what i would see when i turned the corner, but with the knowledge that your there, holding my hand, knowing that you wont let anything happen to me.
your arms which fit right around my body, make me feel safe.
Your soothing words which calm my sudden anger. Thank You.

Shivers.

Goosebumps, slowly creep down my arms.
Strange feeling rushes down my spine,
Pitt less feeling in my stomach appears,
She told me this why?
"hush hush darling, don't speak."
"Why are you here? Are you listening, can you hear what i am singing?"
Fallen.30SecondsToMars

Nerves.

Things which rushed through this mind of mine.
1: BLOODY HELL!
2: Oh My God
3:Really? In Such A Short Period Of Time.
4:Thought it requires L**E
5: Do You? Does He?
I would like to Thank, the sane voice which i confided in, you really are an amazing friend.
Thank you.
Camisado.Panic!AtTheDisco

Heart.

Becomes faster.
Beating rushes, as the adrenaline pumps,
The heart beats faster to get the blood rushing to limbs.
Breathing becomes faster, shallower.
The sudden stop of everything, feeling of knowing too far too quick...
Then the constant longing for that feeling.
Knowing what its like when its gone, so i don't try.
Time to forget these insecure feelings,
Forget all the things from the past,
To take my own advise and look foward.
Without sounding completely twatish.
If I'm going forward, I'm happy its with you.

Beating.

Beating hearts,
The sound beating against each individual chests,
The heart, extraordinary.
Pumping blood 24/7
Something goes wrong it can be fixed, with ease.
4 Chambers, All working together.
The physical heart can do all that.
Why cant the metaphorical heart do the same.
Why cant all the emotions work together.
Why is it that only one powerful emotion, overtakes all the others.
Why cant they work in unison, like the physical heart.

Glazed.

"can i go?"
The one thing which can make her face wilt,
Seeing her eyes roll, "its Andy's birthday"
Looking up from where shes sat, can see the true disappointment within her eyes,
"I've worked hard today" her blue eyes still gazing at his willing face,
Starting to see why her mood swings when the mention of this place,
He'll come back, he'll be in a winde up mood, he'll start on the ones which will retaliate,
That's me.
Tonight, someone will argue with him, someone will go to their room, and just sit there, not being able to join, because of that mood.
The music will just have to drown out the noise of his slight tipsy-ness,
Days like this i need a phone with unlimited minutes, Going to need it, if Ive learnt from the past. The young one of this family doesn't quite see it yet, he'll join in with him.
Whereas the two women, will sit, glazed face, arms folded, not paying attention to anything.
Because when he comes back hes not himself, hes the alcohol, which he consumed, hes the couple of beers which he chugged, hes the "go on one more while you wait" person.
But then again, hes much better from when he used to be, when i was younger and never really understood, and when i was in bed by the time he got back.
But now i see it all.

Depth.

The depths of things.
Never really knew existed,
Stories still run through my mind,
Things which could be written,
But arnt, because of the fear of them being misinterpreted,
Cant seem to get the same kind of meaning into these things anymore,
Mainly because, theres nothing deep running though this mind of mine,
I read other peoples, looked at one recently, the message was easy to see.

Yes mum, maybe you should take me to one of them places,
Same thoughts going through my head, how if you had any idea what i think about, if you could hear, my thoughts as you place the plates in front of me, my thoughts at the end of the day, wondeirng if I'm hungry or not, and if I'm not then Ive eaten too much.
There's a part of me telling me that there's something not right, but the other side, is saying there's nothing wrong, carry on. I'm stuck i cant handle people telling me things how I'm perfectly fine, couldn't help but want to argue with him yesterday about the whole thing.

Situations.

Jealousy, turns people green with envey.
Hate, turns people red, with anger.
Pain, turns people blue, with the tears they cry.
Lust, turns people red with passion.
Happiness, turns people yellow, with their gleeming smiles.
Nothingness, turns people black and white, to represent their colourless life.

Green with envey...I used to be
Hate...has faded away from me
Pain...gone dont feel it anymore
Lust...been feeling it recently
Happiness...been the most happy in the past week than i have been before
Nothingness...that faded, that dissappeard just as the happiness began.

The pittless black hole that i once thought was growing within my veryself, has gone. the colours of the crazy emotions ive been having have helped me see, see not to waste what i have, not to take things wrong, to just enjoy the moment, embrace it, love it, because its not going to happen again.

Game.

Trying to play this one I'm in right now.
Still trying to work out the rules
Still trying to figure out which buttons to push.
Still trying to work out the right objective.
Trying to get there 1st, trying to play 1st place, trying to win.
Trying to beat a thing which i could never beat,
Beat a professional, thing which people cling to, beat a thing which guys beg for,
at Christmas.

skin.

feel the rain on your skin,
touching you so slightly, sends shivers down my spine.
the touch that i crave, the attention that i long from you.
Don't want to come across like an attention seeker, but i cant help but want your attention, not all the time, but more than just in school, want to know that if i call you, when I'm upset you'll awnser
cant help it, i need to feel closer, closer than we are now.

Shot.

One. one chance to get everything right,
All i can do is practice, make it perfect.
Do it over, if i don't get it 1st time, i wont have another chance at it,
We all only have one life.
We make mistakes, we make up for them mistakes,
I really don't want to muck this one up.
I need to make it count.
Its not a case of wanting it to.
Its a case of needing it to.
Cant fall again.
This is the one shot.
The one shot i Need to get right.

Loss.

The room that once smelt of purfume frangrance,
Now smells of just Nicorandil, and morphine.
The once Bright blue eyes, with so much life,
Now eyes just like nothingness,
Breathing shallows, last breath was drawn,
And Where was i?
Not seen you since that day in that room, Never knew that was the last time i would see you.
Now im just full of regret.

Act.

Act
Like the rest.
We all act like someone different,
When there is something which might upset a friend we act like theres nothing wrong.
They know there is,
The person lies, and just says something which is obviously wrong,
Closer than you think, trying to help you are these people around.
That are trying to help the situation, person doesn't want to know, doesn't take their advise and never truly recovers.
If you listened to the advise and made sense of it, it might actually help you, stop dwelling on what could have been and what is.
Fact is, your stuck in a rut, your stuck on what you want, and cant get over it when your refused it, sulk all you like its not going to help you.
My advise, act like this, not going to help you
Thinking so negatively isn't going to help Anyone.

Want.

"Wake up early to black and white re-runs"
Paranoid. That's all I'm being. Right?
Something that i would normally see, suddenly its not so clear,
Am i just seeing something that's not there at all,
Like when your in the dark and theres a black figure shape standing by the door,
But when the light hits it, its nothing but hoodies piled upon a old coat hanger.
All it needed was light,
But i don't want to turn the light on in this case, because i know that if i do, i might be wrong,
But i might be right.
For once i don't want to be.
I don't want the fright at the pit of my stomach to have a right to be there.
I really don't want to have to know that this person, has entered my happiness and doesn't have the right to be there, to then be able to take it all away.

Rain.

British weather.
Mostly rain.
Sometimes sunny.
But mostly cold, and rainy.
however, without sounding totally cheesy, and the kind of thing which would be in a Disney movie,
Sat there, on your knee watching, all the chavs and their dogs taking this piss out of people..
i felt like there wasn't a dark cloud hanging over both our heads. as if there was nothing that could bother us. i loved it, i normally reject peoples compliments and totally ignore them and never believe them. but you. i just couldn't ignore. couldn't ignore the stuff you were saying, the thing i have most trouble accepting. you literaly make me smile so much that i cant stop, you brighten a dull day.
Sorry for making it such a long thing to read but jai ho...


xxx

Thoughts.

Music rushing through my ears,
Cant hear a single word being spoken,
Can only see their lips moving,
Can only see what they are doing.
Everything slowed, Slow motion, Amazing to watch,
To suddenly see everything in a new light,
With only my thoughts that swim through my mind,
Can only think of three things,
One: what the next line of lyrics are,
Two: weather Ive actually got my work right
Three: thinking about what I'm going to say, when i can get you alone.
As soon as you took my hands, i actually wanted to jump for joy.
Me being me, covering my nerves with laughter..Rushing through my mind.
Time slowed then too, just stood still, could have stayed in that moment forever.
Thoughts, bring a smile across my face, and it would stay there for hours, nobody could put me out of that mood.

Red.

The colour i am obsessed with,
Means so much when its spoken of in books and poems,
Most entence colour, which i had to be attracted to..
Why are people genrally attracted to one colour in particular?
What makes this so significant,
The teams were chosen.

Questions.

Many people have asked me the same question in the past few days
They have all asked because they are concerd i would hurt this person,
My past history they cant help but think i would.
truth is im not.
not going to make the same mistakes that ive made in the past,
The past stays in the past, why.
The future is never clear, why is that, why cant we see what will happen with these choices we make,
The present is a gift, a true gift nothing to care about, nothing in the past to think about,
Its just a gift.
Thats why it is called present, and at this present time i cant help buut think about weather im putting 2 and 2 together and getting 11,
or weather i should follow my instics and just close my eyes and jump,
or to just wait,
Wait for you to just close your eyes and jump.
Jump throught the air, all i can say is you wont fall to the ground..

Truth.

HEY if anyone has something to say to me
Tell me,
Im not a decective, and i cant read minds,

Take the leap of faith that im scared of taking,
Close Your Eyes And Jump,
I cant carry on with this poker face.
I dont want to carry on with this poker face.

Ghost.

Your face a distant memory,
Gone,
You were just as easy to forget.
Sometimes you come back, From nowhere, i would just switch,
Memories we shared would come back flooding, at the sound of that dreaded flyleaf song,
When you whispered into my ear which was my favorite, The moment i sat you down and asked you the truth, The sudden black hole which grew inside, the twisting knot which formed, the sudden urge to just cry.
The feeling of the fresh air hitting my face as i storm out, almost crashing to the ground.
i had that today,that feeling. i sat up and asked myself why the hell i was i crying.
Then it faded, dispurstd evaporated, gone. Like a ghost which haunts me. because that's all you are to me now. a ghost.

Deja Vu

Bored already,
Driving me insane,
Never anything to do
Bored of the same dam thing everyday,
Bored of reading the same Facebook groups
Bored of saying the same things to my parents
Bored of doing the same thing over and over
Feel like its ground hog day
I wanna shake things up abit,
Do something out of the ordinary.

Uncomfortable

I'm just going to take the blame,
Just going to agree with you, to make my life easier,
I may not talk to you, but we would be on the understanding of being able to tolerate each other,
Make the people that are friends with both of us, make them feel more comfortable.
Just make these next few months easier for the both of us.

Another reason i should make myself more comfortable, distancing myself i think is the only way i can think of doing that.

L**e

Word i don't like using anymore, For reasons i don't want to explain.
"a strong word to use for someone of my age,"
Feel like Ive used this word too many times since my first blog in January,
"I know the pain it causes, and the joy of being innit,"
Then the downward spiral of tears which crash around your pillow, when you argue, then idea of putting yourself through pain because you hurt them so, it gets to its peak, then goes crashing down, it might go back up to that point, or it might die, and fade.
I'd Rather swear in front of my parents than tell them that Ive found someone i L**e
Ive grown and discoverd that the types of L**e at our age doesn't even amount to the real thing.
To be honest i don't care if Ive said something that might concern some people but at this moment in time, I'm writing how i feel on my blog.

Towers.

Very small person,
Hangs around with very tall people,
Very Small girl,
Hangs around with Very tall Guys,
You guys know that you don't intimidate me,
However i still think of you guys as the people that will always be there,
Like a couple of towers surrounding a castle.

Don't even know what I'm talking about to be completely honest, but i was singing lines from a song and immediately thought of you 3. I Guess What I'm Saying Is,
thankyou.

"keep me safe inside your arms like towers, tower over me"
Paramore

Bang.

Bang its gone, the world you once had,
Gone,
In the blink of an eye,
The world changes everyday,
People change over time,
To be honest, you have ago at her nearly everyday, you sat there and told me its one rule for him and another for you, however your the same with her, its one rule for you and another for her, which is unfair, and uncalled for.

3 people came up to me and asked me the same question today, and its actually bugging me.
Starting sink into my head, and making me think, I Don't Want To Think About It. Driving me insane.
"But its all about the boom boom pow"

"I cant take the person staring back at me"
This blog has gone tumbling down hill, ever since i stopped writing in a certain way,
I can write about how i feel in case i upset someone or annoy them, in the real world.
Don't want to tell anyone either, Only get annoyed,
Don't know weather the person i can talk to would understand this situation.
"Don't let me get me."

Tomorrow.

"Its only monday, and i a already feel the riot.
Its the starting of the week, you hear those talks you dont want to speak,
tomorrow never comes until its too late.
Sitting here right now, that news hit me like a punch, but tomorrow never comes until it is too late."

"If you want to know your past life,look into your present condition;if you want to know your future,look into your present action."

Photograph.

They say is worth a thousand words, can tell people on the outside whats going on.
On the inside.
Can see what is really happening.
So from these pictures which i flick from trying to edit, what are they saying, they all look so posed, and in place.
Exept one or two.
The ones where im not taking the picture but im init.
Maybe this says i need to let my ideas just flow and go along with the world, instead of trying to make them perfect.
Or maybe its saying these friendships are so posed and i need to let the real me out, instead of being someone that tries to fit in, and just be me.

Go.

Times pass,
Friends fade,
Love ends,
Happiness, dies,
But can be revived,
By those friends who stuck by you,
All we needed was a little CPR,
To revivive this happiness,
Which now floods each of our hearts,
Making Smiles across our faces,
Strange convosations, and Weird ball games,
This is all because the ones which i can never be friends with, went, left me to my own, i let go.

LA

Looking in from the outside.

Tired.

I'm tired,
of everything,
Of everyone, making up reasons to cause trouble,
Personally i want to put this to bed, this issue that never really existed,
let it rest,
let that thing that never existed sleep for eternity.

Ever.

Wow. All I'm saying is Hypercritical much.

Luke, Thanks, we set everything straight, we made sence of the issue, we went deep into where this started, and sorted it, sure im different, you loved the old me, you told me the truth To My Face, which really did help.

Ollie, You may not know this but i know most of the things your trying to hide, you dont have to hide it, surely you can trust me enough to just tell me, you know me well enough to know in the end i will understand.

Jeff, i know you dont read these things much, but i know exactly where you are coming from.

Claire, we are on the same wave length, And Boom-Maan is here to defeat the evil mass murderer Maths. haha. (on a less serious note)

All i can say is, things will sort themselves out, like i told Luke,
I Give It A Week.

Goodbye.

Funny, all good things come to an end.
I guess this is all of ours.
None of you are gone yet,
but i already feel like each of you have already left.
:'(

Click.

It just occured to me.
Just go for it.

Fly.

What most people want to do.
Fly away from their problems to some amazing country,
Fly somewhere where people actually care,
Fly away, getting them away,
Away from it all, to just relax, and breathe.
Flying and Running, are so different,
But unusually the same, You can feel the wind on your skin,
The winds fingers running through your hair, sound of it whistling into your ear.
Except one, your high in the sky,
The other your feet are firmly on the ground,
On the ground in the reality of everything, of everyone.
I want to run, stay in the reality of everything but at the same time not be too included in it.
People will just say your running away from your issues,
When the truth is,
I'm not,
I'm walking away from them,
Not in any rush but at the same time still moving away from them,
Funnily enough i was thinking of this as i was running away from being rugby tackled to the muddy floor,
Then it occurred to me,
Liefs too short to even care about these issues,
We should just forget them if they cause us that much pain and just carry on with life,
Not holding grudges,
Not arguing,
Because sooner or later were going to be leaving,
Making our own lives,
A new purpose to our lives, weather that be a family, or a career.
Then after our life is done,
We go to that "better place" as they say.
Where we truly fly.

Moment.

I know I'm not good at allot of things.
I know I'm crap at almost everything that we went through.
But what i do know is that I'm a Good Friend.
If any of you need me, I'll be there, i wont turn my backs on you when i need you most.
If i can promise any of you anything, its that i will always be there for you, rain or shine,
weather you just want to talk, or if you just need to hear someone breathing down the phone knowing that someone is there for you.
I Will.


"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it it those who, instead of giving much advise, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share out pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not curing, not healing and face us with the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."
Henri Nouwen

Burning

The pain wont last long.
It will fade...

Repell

Magnets Repell.
Dunno weather its just my bahaviour,
Or just because im that boring.
Standing, Watching, Seeing everyone getting along so well, so well knitted, i dont feel like thats me.
I dont know weather im not to feel like im part of it yet, or weather im just not trying because im thinking this.
Am i just the opposite of what everyone else seems to be..happy, or even just a slight twinge of happyness, i would be quite thankful for.

Trust.

Thing which im finding it hard to do.

Oath.

I might take an oath..
An oath of being me.
Not accidentally saying things that another person would say,

I'm going to take an oath, to not turn into what "She" did.
Not a puppet, Not a total bitch.
To think this time last year we were so close...But now, i couldn't care less about "You"
Hate, is a word which comes to peoples minds, however for me to hate "you" would have to involve some emotional feeling towards you, and i don't. i feel anything towards our friendship that we once had,
when i think of them "good times" i feel sick.
i cant wait till you move somewhere far away from me,
so i don't have to look at you anymore.!

A few months till we all go our separate ways, and its too soon, one last summer, baring in mind Ive only ever had one summer with the guys, and it was amazing, i cant wait until this summer.
Summer 2010

Peace.

is there any point of it?
the world will never be completely at peace.
The school will never be at peace.
your minds will never be at peace.
But for once in a while i feel like there was no war,
now your just trying to start one.
I'm not going to start a war because of you, a jealous little girl.

who?

Ive Changed in more ways than one.
the way i act, the way i handle things.
i don't know what has done this,
But i don't want to go back, I'm happier, well than when i was before.
I'm confident happy.

However I'm no happy within this state.
This state of Awkwardness. i hate it.
Walking around that room a million times with my headphones in today, slowly moving up to the aisle that you were secluding to yourself.
building up that confidence within myself,
then i looked at you
and just caved. my head stopped me.
i listen to my head two weeks ago and look where it got me.
I don't want this. This weirdness which isn't right. I still think of you as my best friend.
Hell i still think of you as my best friend with an upside.
but it tears everyone apart. you loose your mind. and i stop listening to my heart.
I just cant do this anymore!
If you read this and agree with me, then tomorrow morning when we all get in, we forget everything.

point.

Point break time.
Cracks are appearing in the paint work,
Sometimes one person is the main cause, sometimes were just all not connected.
why is this?
I already feel the problem,
The problem which hardly of any of you would understand.
Big question is
Are we all too different, are we all at different stages of life, to understand what each of us are going through?
"No doubt i deserve my enemies, but i don't believe i deserve my friends" Walt Whitman

Black.

Black hole.
Well its a metaphor.
A metaphor for the End.
I actually brain stormed all of the words which came to mind when i wrote black.
Death, destruction, night, the main one which came up was End.
Is it?
Is it the End.

Personally once you've been sucked into a black hole its generally the End.
This went spiralling into that black hole a while ago.
End.

Square.

People say life is a set of squares.
There wrong!
Life is a set of Circles.
Sure things will end the circle.
But Squares are so Square?
I want to mix things up. FOR THE HELL OF IT!

Picture.

I'm so glad that them pictures actually cheered you up.
I don't know how deeply you looked into them.
You told me a point about one of them.
"love takes time" however i wasn't trying to make this point.
I just took it cos it looked cool.
You looked into my pictures more than i did.
More than others would, as they may feel threatened.
Your thanking me.
I'm thanking you.

Understand.

Just stop.
Stop telling me these things.
Stop telling me I'm fine,
That's YOUR! opinion.
Not mine,
Telling me this stuff isn't going to change my mind.
Stop just stop.
You need to understand.
I'm more stubborn towards you than i am to other people.
Because it just annoys me, when people say that stuff and its not true.
You need to learn, i hate myself, so deal with that fact.

Call.

"Dam right You do TeeHee" From Luke.
Whenever, i really dont mind. Presumably when im at home.

Lukes post.

This is a post which luke has written
" Ollie! Blow me! Next time you want help you can kiss my white arse goodbye.
Love Luke :)"

Luke is pissed! And he said hes right too!
I really love this lesson
Hes right we dont talk, so howa about you call me later and discuss this matter, Instead on a blog where the whole world could see it if they wanted.
After this post im gunner go back to writing deep and emotional stuff.

ICT.

Luke is awesome.
He listens to my problems,
Hell he listens to both our problems,
Hes the thing we have been using to communicate.
Communicate about how we feel.
And I'm sick of it.
I don't want to talk to Luke all the time
I want to talk to you.
Without you getting annoyed with me.

Quote of the day
"Where do you plug in?" Luke hope said this to me as he wanted to plug his headphones into me to try and listen to my thoughts. Ha Ha

Speak.

Why did i say that?!
I spoke that sentence and new straight away,
I saw it in your body language,
You didn't even have to Speak.
The thing which i thought you wouldn't care about,
You did.
After you left, my room was just empty.
I knew that sentence had upset you.
And for that i am deeply sorry.



Thank you guys. For a great day yesterday.

Im thanking You because i can talk to you about the troubles which are on my mind,
And for such a great day yesterday.

I thank you for just being there, just being you, just when i need you.

And thanks to my family, i hardly ever talk about them on this,
Thank you
iloveyou guys

Wrong!

Sometimes you get it so wrong.
You say something before you think about how i would take it.
"oh your ditching me!" you said this to luke...
Made me feel like i wasnt good enough and that you didnt really want me there at all .
Everyone is allowed to have days where they feel like crap beause they feel ill.
Which i know ive been feeling ill for over a week now.
Its made me seem like i cant be botherd with anything.
And to be honest i cant.
I really cant be botherd to aruge with you.
Because your not going to see my point.
You cant understand why im thinking like this.
You promice me you wont be going anywhere.
Thats what the last guy said and the boy before him.
All guys say that to girls, to try and make them feel special,
I know its been ages but, i feel like im having trust issues.
I've put all my trust into the previous ones and they both left me shatterd.
You say your worried about me being swept off my feet by someone else...
To be honest the only way your not going to feel like that is if we go out.
And what is the difference of us going out, is the garentee that im yours.
Because ive told you i am.
And that still isnt good enough.
I dont see the difference between us going out and what we are now.
We are pratically going out anyway.
But still,
Ive told you so many times that im not going anywhere.
And you still dont believe me.
Im starting to wonder.
Is it me with the issues or you?!
Im not like "her" you've seen how she treats your family
Im not like her, im not going to treat you like utter crap.
But you need to understand that i need time alone.
As everyone does.

"With raindrops on roses and girls in white dresses,
And sleeping with roaches,
And taking best guesses,
Shake off the sheets, and before all the stains,
Add a Few more of your favorite things"
Only thing thats making sence is the music which drowns my thoughts

Sorry.

I Dont want this.
When you feel like the whole world is against you.
And you sit in your room for hours, and just cry.
I'd been having an argument with you.
Because you dont know how to deal with this emotion.
You dont understand.
You know full well, that its going to become more.
But when you blatantly see i've been crying right infront of you and you do nothing.
It makes me second guess.
Im so sorry. To all of you.
I'm still making mistakes, just dont wash your hands of me because its out of character.
Im just simply growing.

Time.

Time.
The thing I'm running out of.
The time I've spent in that place.
Trying to help myself.
Trying to help set myself up for the future.
That may have just been a waste of time.
Time is ticking.
Ticking. Like a clock.
Trying to get that one grade.
That one grade which could either screw my whole school career, or
That one grade.
That sets my future into place.
That grade I'm going to,
Try my hardest.
For Me. For My life. For My Future

Over.

Days away have proven to me.
Proven that i was right.
To go.
Far away.
You cant pick your family but you can pick your friends.
I am so glad i fineally got it right.
Away from the snidey comments.
The comments which cut deeper than you think.
Im over it.
I've Grown up.
And sooner or later your going to realize,
That you should grow up.
I'm over the bitchiness.
"Wisdom is attained by learning when to hold ones tounge"

Bitch.

Oh Dear.
Someone is Jealous.
You know full well where i got them from.
Covering them would be a waste of time.
Theres nothing to cover.
And to be honest,
I don't care about your opinion.
I don't care if you think its "Ikey"
I think your bitchiness is "Ikey"
Some mate you actually turned out to be.
Oh how times.
Just.Change.

Left.

Just so you understand.
What I'm talking about.
In case i get you confused again.
So I'm writing this a little different.
Not that you read these things anyway.
You think i write poems.
Wrong.
This post is dedicated to
Jeff
Just to prove i don't write poems!
Ha ha

Daylight.

When the sun rises.
The light flooding into my room.
Filling the deepest darkest corners, with glistening sunlight.
The day passes.
The sun rises higher into the sky, allowing me to see you.

See you in a whole new light.
The new light,
The competitive side of you.
The simply amazing side of you i cannot ever see elsewhere.
Although this hold which i have over you.
Your starting to get a hold over me.
I thought i would have been able to not want to be with you all the time.
But its slowly becoming that way.
The sun begins to set
Set on this day.
This amazing day.
Which i never wanted to end.
The darkness slowly began to creep back,
Creep back into the small box which we call rooms.
You amaze me.
The power over me which you've suddenly accumulated.
Startles me.
Thank you.
iloveyou

State

When I'm in this state of mind I really don't know why my parents try to talk to me.
Its just going to end in an argument.

Sitting in that hall with the constant drone.
The drone of my once best friends, which I could talk to for hours about the future aspects of our lives.
All I could hear was their talking, their high pitched over the top giggling.
I'd always been the outsider,
However I was on the inside.
Now I'm the outsider on the outside looking in.
Now I can actually see how different I had to be when I was around them.
I had to be someone I'm not.
When I saw them 3 guys walk past my chair,
The 3 guys which I adore.
I wanted them to pick me up and take me away.
Take me even if they had to drag me, which they wouldn't have.
Taken me away from the 6 fakes,
The fake masks which they wear, I can see through.
I'm not stupid I know when I'm not wanted.
One thing I've learnt from leaving them,
Be yourself not who your friends want you to be.
"God has given you one face, and you make yourself another"
William Shakesphere.

Don't

Don't just don't.
The way you make me feel is incredibly insane.
I can honestly say I've never felt this way.
Not with anyone.
You make the part of me which i thought i lost, alive again.
You have no idea how much control is needed when I'm around you.
Just Promise me.
Just Don't feel like that again.

Sunset?

Walking down that road, with tea in my hand.
The hazy sunlight which was slowly disappearing into the dispersed clouds.
I start to think.
The lives which we lead are all so rushed, So different, but oddly the same.
Each life a hurry.
If you just stop.
And watch.
Watch the rush of our daily lives.
What is the rush?
The fact that daylight soon disappears as quickly as it rises?
I also think that these last years, my early teenage life.
So much has happened, which has happened way too quick.
I've lost too many close people, in such a short period of time.
The years Of taking time to get to know each other.
Gone.
In the matter of days.
We don't talk anymore. So closely related, but so far apart.
What ever happened to them days in parks with the sun beating down on our cheeks.
My once close friends, we soon enough grew apart,
All i want to know is when are we going to grow close again?

When day turns to night, and the sun which once shone on our friendship now sets,
like the sun which i am watching from this grass field.
I don't want this Sun to Set Yet...

Promice

You know you wont pull it off
So why try
You know by the end of the day, you'll be back.
Im going to make it so difficult you have no idea.
You can try, but your only going to fail
Like the Flop you are.
But You know
iloveyou

Loosing.

Sooner or later we all loose something close to us,
I've lost two people, to Cancer, as I'm sure many people have.
But that's not the point, the point is that i lost two of the most important people in my life.
I'm sure I've missed plenty of times with both of them.
I miss them, I miss walking to the car holding his hand,
i miss the sound of his voice,
giving me advise,
There going to miss my 16th birthday this year,
going to miss his great grand-children, and great great grandchildren...
I know what loosing feels like.
I DONT WANT TO LOOSE YOU
I don't want to loose you to anything, weather that be moving away from me,
Or loosing you to any other girl,
that almost happened once and i don't want it to happen again.
This was going through my mind when i was doing something, which is highly wrong for me to be doing.
The smell disgusted me.
Just the thought of me filling my body with them chemicals almost kills me.
However taking this one chance of doing something wrong for once helped me think and clear my mind.
The Fact Is.
I Want To Be With You.
And Never Loose You.
TO Anything.

Chemestry.

Going to re-write this again.
Never mind the past.
Look to the future.
Because we all know,
Life is too short to Waste
Embrace life.
Live it.
Love it.
Take them once in a lifetime opportunities.
Grab the bull by the Horns. As they say.
Because we never know when its going to end...
"Its not the length of life, but the depth of life."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Songs.

The Joy of music.
Dont get me wrong its amazing, but certain songs hold certain memories.
The Song that i used to be able to listen to twenty-four seven, I am no longer able to do,
I can bearly stomach the sound of those lyrics which linger in my mind.
Those memories which i thought i was rid of flood back to me,
drowning those happy recent memories which i try to keep close.
Are gone.
At the thought of those memories which now hold his face.
The face i cannot stand to see the face which i wish to just fade into the woodwork away from my life.
Away from these times, these memories.
Which i do not want spolit. x

Truth

The truth, is I've never been so scared of being hurt like this.
I feel like I'm trying to run away from the problem that's occurring,
But the truth is i cant, sooner or later this problem will come back.
I should just go to him and tell him, tell this boy that i am falling for.
tell him the truth.and that i think i love him.
a strong word for someone of my age, and i don't use this word very often, so that's why it means more this time than the 1st time i used it, i know the pain that it causes, but the happiness being in it.