I can guarantee it will probably go down hill from here on.

Its always the silly things that break people, and you know I was so angry, now you are going to go out and never tell me about it.

Yes I think sitting in a car park it ridiculous. Yes I have parents that care I'm going out and probably won't sleep until I'm home, and Yes I care that they probably are not going to sleep until i'm home.

And now if you honestly think I'm going to be happy that you are going out with your friends and sit in a train station car park while you wait for some girls you don't know, and be happy about it, then you obviously don't know me. Maybe i'm thinking like a parent, but its a little sad. Don't you think?

Yeah you get to spend time with your friends and have a laugh. But only a few hours earlier you weren't even to bother because I couldn't go. Obviously a big turn around in that few minutes of me not being there.

Do I really hold you back, if I couldn't go out all the time, would you be going out getting drunk doing silly things, and just tell me it was an okay night?

I Cried over this. I hope your happy.

I never write on this but nobody reads this anyway so mehk,

I just always feel lonely.

I have Jake.

I love him, but i would like to talk to someone other than just him about my problems.

Charly can fuck herself, because to be honest she never bothers with me even after me and Katie had it out with her, she still hasn't tried, and its a piss take, so now I'm down to two female friends, and one of them lives far away and I can never see her because I'm always skint, and the other is Katie.

Well someone is lonely. and way too awkward. way too quiet. way too shy to even get to know people in my class, everyone thinks I'm stuck up because i wear pretty dresses everyday and love to look like someone from the 1950s.

I don't want to be mainstream, to make people like me. I just want some confidence. I just don't want to feel so lonely anymore.

I never go on this any more, I don't need to, But to those who read it every now and then to have a look at my secret little life,hey there.

I fear its happening again, the wishing of bones to be sticking out of my skin, the hoping my collar bones look good and poky, hoping my spine sticks out more and more. and before people say oh attention, I would like to ask you, how you would feel if you were to look in the mirror everyday and feel sick at what you have become, and see how ugly you are. once more.

Another little confession, I'm probably the last person anyone would think of if someone asked who is really lonely?

well I told Jake to grow some balls and go out there and to do something about his loneliness, I did that and it worked, now I again feel lonely again, more and more, Jake is back in England and I feel more lonely than ever, because he has friends he can call up and talk to for hours, that will talk to him if he signs on to msn, friends that care weather he's quiet or not. All I have is him. I see friends with other friends enjoying themselves, and I sit here and know that if I was to turn up at that moment in time the atmosphere would change, someone that hardly knows me called me a social leper, I'm starting to think that he's right, I sit at home and envy them because people just love them. people think I'm weird and socially awkward, because I'm shy, and doesn't let people in easily, I do stupid things to try and fit in with them, and they still just think of me as her friend, that nobody likes but is just there like. I'm always looking in from the outside, I would just love to be looking out for once, least in year eight and nine I had friends like that now, I have one person. that would go out of their way to see if I'm OK, because he knows me well enough that the fake smile I plaster on is fake.

Change.

Really long time since Ive been on this, because its all about the tumblr these days..
Not the same person i was last year, when i was writing all this deep emotional shit, well would love to be able to do that again but these days i cannot be bothered to do anything properly.
Ive been an idiot these past few weeks, a total twat, and Ive probably fucked everything i love and want up. its seriously screwed, Ive done the single worst thing anyone can do to another person. I'm not proud. i don't regret it. i just wish i would have been cleverer. smarter about the whole situation. but now its changed. moved on to the next one. my best friend. i cant say much because I'm worried about who's eyes are going to see this, so i cant really vent the way i want, just want to rant about it and honestly not give a shit who reads it, but i cant.
shes going to be stupid. i know she will because shes one to do it and think later. I'm worried. shes gunner get feelings for this inhuman prick again. because of things. and then its going to crumble in front of her eyes. crush her. like it has me.

Ive been happy recently, but the past week. i think i am at my lowest. sure people come along and cheer me up, but then i get back to the house, the shell that i don't feel apart of, and go into a deep depression in my room, waiting for someone to call me waiting for someone to notice my existence. Ive drunk too much recently, smoked too much recently. both things which i said were not going to happen this year, they already have. and the one thing i said i would never do in my life, fucking went and did that too. and for that i will never forgive myself.

Eff my actual personality.

right time to vent,
being as shy as i am really doesn't get you far in life,
being as quiet as i am really doesn't gain you many friends that would notice your absence,
being as miserable as i am right now really makes you look boring,
being as determined as i am really makes people think I'm a nerd,
now don't have that close friends in this class and its starting to hurt,
being as unconfident as i am really shows, within my body and my mind, being unconfident to speak up and be myself, but i cant because I'm so uncomfortable, and so unconfident, it sucks, and i don't know what to do about it, be smart like my friend and never shut up, do something i don't like to gain friends, I'm screwed, not gunner lie, i need a personality transplant. dont particularly care about my spelling mistakes

Ill.

I dont want there to be anything wrong with me, i dont want to have to take pills for the rest of my life, i dont want to be the college freak, always passing out, i hope its just a virus, and that it will go, i dont want anything seriously wrong with me, i love living.

died.

ok, your sweet, really you are.
the password was changed for a reason i just cant think what that reason actually is right now.

the point of friends is that we have someone close we can talk to about most things,
two of those who i no longer really know, their friendship has witherd since we left school, its pratically gone, once super close, now i hardly speak to them, we are all so busy with work and people obviously more important, ive learned this over the past months we havent been at school, just like to say thanks i bunch.

One of my best friends moved away, must admit i miss having our talks, they dont happen as much as they used to, but atleast im still in touch with you.

Someone i never thought i would stay in contact with ive actually seen more of than the other two, our friendship has been ripped and torn deeply, but im really happy trying to make amends, not really going so well but im still happy that we both agreed to try.

My welsh friend, thank you.

My life is boring, same ole routines, day in day out, but with You in my life you make it that more interesting, you complete me.