I never write on this but nobody reads this anyway so mehk,

I just always feel lonely.

I have Jake.

I love him, but i would like to talk to someone other than just him about my problems.

Charly can fuck herself, because to be honest she never bothers with me even after me and Katie had it out with her, she still hasn't tried, and its a piss take, so now I'm down to two female friends, and one of them lives far away and I can never see her because I'm always skint, and the other is Katie.

Well someone is lonely. and way too awkward. way too quiet. way too shy to even get to know people in my class, everyone thinks I'm stuck up because i wear pretty dresses everyday and love to look like someone from the 1950s.

I don't want to be mainstream, to make people like me. I just want some confidence. I just don't want to feel so lonely anymore.

I never go on this any more, I don't need to, But to those who read it every now and then to have a look at my secret little life,hey there.

I fear its happening again, the wishing of bones to be sticking out of my skin, the hoping my collar bones look good and poky, hoping my spine sticks out more and more. and before people say oh attention, I would like to ask you, how you would feel if you were to look in the mirror everyday and feel sick at what you have become, and see how ugly you are. once more.

Another little confession, I'm probably the last person anyone would think of if someone asked who is really lonely?

well I told Jake to grow some balls and go out there and to do something about his loneliness, I did that and it worked, now I again feel lonely again, more and more, Jake is back in England and I feel more lonely than ever, because he has friends he can call up and talk to for hours, that will talk to him if he signs on to msn, friends that care weather he's quiet or not. All I have is him. I see friends with other friends enjoying themselves, and I sit here and know that if I was to turn up at that moment in time the atmosphere would change, someone that hardly knows me called me a social leper, I'm starting to think that he's right, I sit at home and envy them because people just love them. people think I'm weird and socially awkward, because I'm shy, and doesn't let people in easily, I do stupid things to try and fit in with them, and they still just think of me as her friend, that nobody likes but is just there like. I'm always looking in from the outside, I would just love to be looking out for once, least in year eight and nine I had friends like that now, I have one person. that would go out of their way to see if I'm OK, because he knows me well enough that the fake smile I plaster on is fake.

Change.

Really long time since Ive been on this, because its all about the tumblr these days..
Not the same person i was last year, when i was writing all this deep emotional shit, well would love to be able to do that again but these days i cannot be bothered to do anything properly.
Ive been an idiot these past few weeks, a total twat, and Ive probably fucked everything i love and want up. its seriously screwed, Ive done the single worst thing anyone can do to another person. I'm not proud. i don't regret it. i just wish i would have been cleverer. smarter about the whole situation. but now its changed. moved on to the next one. my best friend. i cant say much because I'm worried about who's eyes are going to see this, so i cant really vent the way i want, just want to rant about it and honestly not give a shit who reads it, but i cant.
shes going to be stupid. i know she will because shes one to do it and think later. I'm worried. shes gunner get feelings for this inhuman prick again. because of things. and then its going to crumble in front of her eyes. crush her. like it has me.

Ive been happy recently, but the past week. i think i am at my lowest. sure people come along and cheer me up, but then i get back to the house, the shell that i don't feel apart of, and go into a deep depression in my room, waiting for someone to call me waiting for someone to notice my existence. Ive drunk too much recently, smoked too much recently. both things which i said were not going to happen this year, they already have. and the one thing i said i would never do in my life, fucking went and did that too. and for that i will never forgive myself.